Quitting rice for 15 years and what it taught me
Navigating the road to beauty standards is like driving through a series of roadblocks. My journey was no different. From body image issues to feelings of inadequacy, I faced the harsh reality that having the “perfect” figure is key to being accepted.
While teenagers might find solace in food, my growing years were about skipping meals because I wasn’t an example of beauty standards. So, I decided to take a bold step – I quit rice for 15 years.
Quitting rice to succumb to teenage peer pressure
Image credit: Yusintha
High school is a time when the pressures of fitting in can feel insurmountable, especially when faced with societal beauty standards. For many, myself included, this pressure manifested in a relentless pursuit of conforming to them, even at the expense of our own mental and physical well-being.
As I navigated the tumultuous waters of adolescence, I found myself caught in the dilemma of peer pressure, particularly regarding my body shape.
While guys tend to not outwardly show how much their peers’ perceptions affect them, girls like myself felt every jab and whispered comment about our appearance like a dagger to the heart.
For me, it was my curves – both a blessing and a curse, which became the focal point of my insecurities.
Image credit: Yusintha
During my high school years, I was bombarded with hurtful remarks from friends and even family members. Words like “gemok” and “tsunami” were flung at me, each one chipping away at my fragile self-esteem.
In a world where being thin was the ultimate beauty badge, I got the memo that being curvy equalled being ugly. Millennials can remember the early 2000s, when body positivity was a total stranger to us back then.
Image credit: Yusintha
I still remember a comment from someone I knew that compared my chest to my stomach. It only served to deepen my belief that I was anything but “normal”. I believe this still stands true for teenagers and adolescents today.
According to a recent Universiti Sains Malaysia tudy, 87.3% of 189 Malaysian girls aged 15 to 17 were dissatisfied with their body size. Thirty-six percent were dieting and 35.4% reported binge eating.
Additionally, in the same study, of 6,026 adolescents aged 10 to 20, 10.9% reported being victims of cyberbullying. Numbers don’t lie, and these ones say a painful lot about how severely body image can affect one’s self-confidence.
Baby steps to cutting out carbs and counting calories
Image credit: Yusintha
My fixation on weight loss took root unnoticed.
I began by counting calories, believing that limiting my intake and scrutinising every cracker I ate during recess would be my ticket to a “beautiful” figure.
At the age of 15, I decided to completely cut rice out of my diet, convinced that this sacrifice would bring me closer to societal ideals of beauty. Besides my new food patterns, consistent exercise became part of my routine too.
But chasing societal beauty standards didn’t just change my body. It was a wrecking ball to my self-esteem and mental health. I thought fitting into beauty standards would magically boost my confidence, but hitting my 20s brought some serious reality checks.
A love-hate relationship with my body in my 20s
When I entered my 20s, the quest for perfection continued to linger, driving me to extreme measures like laxatives and purging in a futile attempt to attain the unattainable.
While the numbers on the scale dwindled, so too did my self-esteem. I realised that I needed to peel back the layers of fitting in to reveal my own uniqueness beneath. To do so, I signed up for a national beauty pageant at 21.
It was on this wild ride that I started to seriously question the so-called beauty standards we all chase.
Among a diverse group of women, each with their quirks and insecurities, it hit me—there is no such thing as beauty standards when beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as we all know. I discovered that as a curvy gal, there is no one size that fits all and that this is part of the real, unfiltered me.
Image credit: Yusintha
Facing my fears, I took the plunge to do the unthinkable at the beauty pageant – wearing a sleeveless dress, something I had been dreading since I was 9 years old. And not just anywhere – on a ramp where the judges and audience would be scrutinising every inch of me.
It was no walk in the park. Strutting in 6-inch heels with my imperfections on full display felt like a major challenge. But when I saw the tailor-made dress designed just for me, it was like a confidence shot straight to the heart. I thought, “What the heck, just go for it!”
To my surprise, on gala night, I strutted down the ramp in that sleeveless number, heels and all, under the blinding spotlight. Turns out, it wasn’t as daunting as I’d imagined.
It was at that moment that I discovered that the ultimate beauty secret is self-acceptance – that’s true beauty at its best.
The lessons I learned on beauty
Learning to nurture from within radiates outward
The world can be a tough place – if not tougher – when you’re not at peace with yourself.
During my 20s, I spent countless days wondering if I’d ever be enough for everyone. I realised that my-quitting crusade was all about wanting acceptance from family or friends.
Sure, all those years of dieting, avoiding fast food, and turning meal prep into a drama (sorry amma) did slim me down, but did they make me feel accepted? Not even close. The idea of perfection remained as out of reach as ever.
In a moment of clarity, I realised that I can’t be everything to everyone and that chasing beauty standards won’t ever bring me the acceptance I crave. Looking inward, I began to appreciate my soul.
Tapping into it led me to accept that outer beauty is merely a fleeting accessory subject to change, as are other people’s opinions about you. I learned that nurturing oneself from within radiates outward, and that is what truly matters.
And as it turns out, trimming inches or toning up wasn’t the golden ticket to happiness. It was the genuine self-acceptance I gradually came to terms with that flipped my perspective and boosted my emotional game.
Your wounds are your best friends that will heal you
No one in this world has escaped pain or feelings of inadequacy.
Throughout my childhood and teenage years, I carried the wounds inflicted by external judgements and instead of trying to heal them, I became my own worst enemy.
It was only during my late 20s that I started paying attention to inner conversations, realising that emotional pain can often lead to personal growth and healing. Rather than viewing my wounds solely as negative experiences, I saw them as opportunities for self-discovery.
I began writing down every hurtful remark said to me and asking myself why it impacted me so deeply. Through this, I discovered that being a people pleaser resulted in low self-worth, which led to a lack of healthy boundaries and being untrue to myself.
Though quitting rice was initially about losing weight, it helped me identify my wounds. By reversing each remark into its positive opposite, I realised I had been searching far and wide for love, and that external love would only matter if I first loved myself.
This led me to understand that these wounds were my best friends, ultimately guiding me to healing and it turned out to be the best discovery I could have made.
The journey to self-acceptance
The journey to self-acceptance is still unfolding, but I’m moving forward.
Sure, I still have those days when I wish my body looked different. And yes, I’m still off rice, but not to fit into someone else’s beauty standards. Rather, I do it to feel at ease with myself – that’s my version of self-acceptance.
Image credit: Yusintha
My journey of unlearning beauty standards and embracing my true self had a positive outcome – I learned to turn fear into a passion. Amid the rollercoaster of anxiety and self-sabotage, I discovered a lifeline in slam poetry.
I had always been dodging the things I loved most, like poetry, because being in the limelight felt anything but comfortable – performing in front of an audience was a nerve-wracking ordeal for someone like me, who battled with self-acceptance and body image. Despite my reservations, slam poetry became my therapy as it helped channel my inner voice in ways I couldn’t offstage.
With time, I learned that celebrating my own skin—not in spite of its flaws, but because of them can truly make a difference.
I know there’s a little girl inside me still healing from beauty standards she never even set. But honestly, I see it as a blessing in disguise as I walk this path with her in this crazy ride called life.
We’re not all cut from the same cloth, and chasing ever-shifting beauty standards can sometimes lead to losing yourself. But owning who you are is a beauty that shines from within and is most beautiful when it’s uniquely yours.
Read more perspectives here:
- I was called “fei zai” as a child, but today I hold a tower run finisher title
- I almost died at 25 after a health scare
Cover image adapted from: Yusintha