Knowing self-worth in a relationship
I come from a broken family and never saw my dad as someone with a backbone whom I could rely on to support me and my mum. So when it came to meeting a guy and getting into a relationship in my early adult years, I established a few rules for myself.
I didn’t ask for someone perfect – there’s no such thing as that, after all. I just needed someone in my life I could communicate openly and easily with, who knew how to give and take, and was respectful of my boundaries.
If he was honest and had a backbone, that would be a plus.
Having been in two relationships I can now identify as toxic, I’ve come to realise that relationships take work. Here’s my story.
Meeting my first love when I was 18
I had my first crush after I completed my SPM.
He was my secondary school classmate and we had a lot of shared interests: music, food, and movie genres. I guess you could call it love at first sight. He was kind and always offered to pay for dates, even though I knew his family was having financial difficulties when we were dating.
We both entered the relationship as 18-year-olds with zero experience in having a partner, so we simply went with the flow.
I remember putting in a lot of effort to plan out our dates, because he wasn’t the type of guy who took the initiative and was always “too busy” to make them. While we were dating, we both lived about a 45-minute drive from each other in different states, so I counted any date we had as important as we could only meet once a month.
It took a year for me to realise that I was the only one who was invested in the relationship and trying to keep the spark alive. My efforts to keep us together didn’t feel reciprocated, and everything we did started to feel routine. Despite these warning signs, I chose to stay with him because I was convinced that I was still in love.
Two years into the relationship, I discovered that he was cheating on me.
A friend shared with me that he posted an Instagram story, which showed him hanging out with another girl. To make matters worse, this came a week before my final exams. I confronted him about it, but he denied it and told me that he was going to break up with me anyway. He said that I deserved better and that he wasn’t good enough for me.
I tried to fight for our relationship even after this, but he blocked me from all his social media accounts.
During my semester break, I went to see a counsellor as I was unable to cope with the built-up stress of exams and my first heartbreak. After a session, she diagnosed me with separation anxiety and mild depression, based on my family background and upbringing. To encourage me, she said that I would get better eventually, but a relapse may happen if my past traumas were triggered.
I didn’t tell anyone about the diagnosis – not my friends who were keeping their distance from me because of my “negative” aura, or even my mum. At just 20 years of age, I carried it like a boulder in my chest, alone.
After a month of self blaming and feeling sorry for myself, I felt like I had to seek closure from my first relationship and move on. However, as I could no longer contact him, I accepted that this was my fate and moved on without getting the closure that I needed.
Spotting red flags in a relationship
I hopped back onto the relationship wagon after being single for nearly 2 years. It was during the Covid-19 pandemic and the various lockdowns in Malaysia, and I was in the third year of finishing my degree.
I was attending an in-person class when he approached me for help as he was a late joiner. We didn’t have a lot in common, but I found myself charmed by how smart and knowledgeable he was about many different things.
After becoming close quite quickly from working together on group assignments, he asked me out on a date. He even offered to pick me up from my workplace when I told him I would be working that day. It felt like a world of difference from my first relationship.
Image credit: Jasmyne Foong
We had a conversation to see if we were suitable for each other, 3 weeks after our first date, and he confessed that he was attracted to me. But I was hesitant to step into another relationship as I didn’t feel the same. We had only known each other for a month, after all.
I finally agreed to date him when I saw how sincere he was.
But then I found out how toxic he was after being with him for a year.
In retrospect, there were multiple incidents that raised red flags, but the one I remember with the most clarity happened in June 2022. At that time, I had wanted to watch an online concert of my favourite group, BTS, and he had offered to pay for the streaming tickets. However, after I purchased them, he got upset and told me that he hated BTS and wished that I hated them too. He said he was jealous of them as he wasn’t getting the same attention I was giving to the band.
The incident left me dismayed, as I had taken an interest in his gaming hobby. I didn’t expect him to like BTS or join me in watching the concert, but I didn’t think he would react the way he did.
Image via imgflip.com
This incident opened my eyes to other boundaries I had that he crossed.
He would say passive-aggressive things like “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be here with you”, as if his love is only shown by his presence and not through his actions, and other narcissistic things like “No matter what I do, I’m never going to be good enough for you”.
We fought countless times over the way he treated me, and he would apologise each time. I kept giving him second chances, hoping he would turn over a new leaf. But he never did.
The relationship began to take a serious toll on my mental health, and I could no longer see a future together with him if I had to keep putting only his interests first. So I mustered the courage and broke up with him after 2 years of dating, telling myself that I wasn’t being selfish for prioritising my wellbeing.
Falling in love again with the right one
After two failed relationships, I entered my “not in a rush for a relationship” era. I was enjoying single life and focusing on self-love.
Image for illustrative purposes only.
I decided to check out dating apps to casually chat and meet new people after giving myself time to heal. I connected with two guys who didn’t really stand out to me – and then I matched with my current boyfriend, Jimmy.
He was someone unexpected who came along when I wasn’t actively looking to start a relationship. But it felt easy to connect with him – he was smart, goofy, and had a great sense of humour. We also had a lot of things in common, and our values and beliefs aligned.
But there was always that nagging thought in the back of my head that there would be potential heartbreak if I were to enter a relationship again. After much prayer and reflection, I decided to take a chance and said yes to being his girlfriend.
Jimmy was already in Singapore before we started dating, so I knew what I was getting myself into – my first long-distance relationship.
There was a whole new set of relationship aspects to learn with a LDR. For starters, not having my partner with me most of the time, and having to rely on video calls to spend time with him and talk about our day was something I had to get used to. It’s also tough when special occasions roll around and we can only celebrate them virtually, as he only comes back to Malaysia once every 3-4 months.
But constant communication and reassurance is really important to us, and these shared values have been key in keeping our relationship strong.
I feel like I have finally found someone whom I can share my every thought and feelings with, without feeling ignored and belittled. He’s also emotionally mature enough to fulfil my mental and emotional needs. Most importantly, I feel at ease with him as he allows me to be my true self.
Never settle for less, the best is yet to come
Now that I’m in a healthy relationship, I’ve learned a lot about myself and know how to treat myself better.
The thing I’ve found out about love that pop songs don’t tell you about, is that relationships can be painful, but we have to go through certain experiences to find out more about ourselves. Relationships require some compromise, but knowing what you truly value and believe in makes it easier to find a suitable partner that won’t cost you your mental health.
That’s what I wished I realised earlier in life – knowing my self-worth.
Sticking to my values and belief will require saying no at times, which was once a difficult thing for me to do. It’ll mean going through heartbreak after heartbreak before finding someone who allows me to be myself – my true self: flaws, fangirling tendencies, and all. And that’s okay.
So, I’ll leave you with this – in the sea of 8 billion people in this world, there is the right person for everyone. So believe that someone will appear, who will love you as you are and stand by you through thick and thin. And when you find this person, fight to keep them if you have to.
Read more perspectives here:
- I quit rice for 15 years from peer pressure
- We asked Malaysians for their takes on what love truly means
Cover image adapted from: Mark Manson via website, Jasmyne Foong