7 Tips On How To Nail Small Talk, From People Who Hate To Small Talk

Nailing small talk in every situation

Small talk is defined as a trivial conversation or chitchat as a means of opening a social interaction or simply to ward off silence – a foreplay of conversation of sorts. It’s commonly regarded with a whole lot of reproach for being too fake, too depthless, and too forced.

But casual chatter is more than just avoiding awkward silences, it is exactly what bridges that gap between strangers and a deeper connection.

As the utmost introvert myself, I understand that small talk is a useful tool and an inevitable part of many basic life tasks. To find out why it is so excruciating to me, I hunted down my fellow small-talk cynics to get their strategies and tips on how they approach the art of small talk – because constantly complaining about the Malaysian heat gets old, pretty quickly.

Is small talk even necessary?

Iris Yee isn’t much of a mingler, and is even less of a yapper. But these components seem to be what’s essential to keep up that camaraderie with her frisbee teammates, and the sport was something she wasn’t about to give up. So, she decided to up her small talk game.

“I am naturally a shy person, and silences are so painfully awkward to me,” she explains to us. “The entire conversation, I’ll just be thinking about what to say next, and dreading for the other to be done talking.” And in the course of her banter-conquering undertaking, Iris realises that small talk is rather an integral part of our daily lives.

“We tend to forget that the whole point of small talk is to get to know the other person,” Iris elaborates. “I can’t just walk up to someone I barely know and go ‘So, death penalty, what’s your stance?’. We need to first establish a relationship and tackle the surface first, through small talk.”

1. Don’t view it as a chore

Aaron was ranting to a friend about how he absolutely detests small talk – and by that, he actually meant that he was horrible at it. This was after a particularly embarrassing meal with his new colleagues, one that made him grimace just to think about it. When the conversation kept circling back to their jobs and well, the weather, he’d chalked it up to the meaningless social norm of small talking.

That’s when his friend dropped a wake-up slap in his face.

“Maybe you’re bad at it because you’ve already decided that you hate it.”

Many whine about how small talks are simply superficial loops of chatter that never touch on more meaningful topics. Aaron admits that he was guilty of viewing casual banters as the most powerful social repellent, based on the few painful instances with conversation partners who were equally as bad as he was, and dreaded small talk as he did.

Ever since he started embracing these casual chats as an avenue to improve or to possibly build a deeper connection, instead of just a fluffy time-filler, he’d found himself feeling a whole lot more comfortable just chitchatting – and even excited for it at times. An “empty” small talk can bloom into a friendship, and chats about the weather can spring into conversations about philosophy.

“It’s an art to master, it’s all in the practice, and the right approach and attitude.”

2. Be interested and actually listen

“I’d be so caught up in thinking about what to say next and how to react, that I actually forget to listen,” Iris Yee says. “And it shows.”

Truly nothing tanks a conversation like a one-sided one.

Active listening is that superpower you need to become a small talk ninja. To cultivate that, remember this: you’re having this small talk sesh with a human being who is the one and only in this world with their own unique life experiences, and a conversation allows you to understand what makes them them.

Iris explains that this helps her to be genuinely curious about the person, and more interested in what they have to say – “The questions come easy to me, and my interest makes the other party comfortable to talk as well. I no longer have to sit there and plot my next reaction like some psychopath.”

3. Ask questions about what they love, and find a common ground

A trusty way for Mae-Z to get a banter flowing is to ask good questions, especially the ones about people’s hobbies, or what they like to do for fun.

“People are more likely to open up when they’re talking about what they love,” she says. “And sometimes it could also lead to common interests, which makes it a lot easier to converse from there on out.”

You could ask about their favourite TV shows they’re currently into, or any concerts or festival they’ve attended recently. There’s also no judgement in being prepared – in case of an office-pantry encounter or a grocery store run-in – you can be all geared up for moments like these with a couple of light questions up your sleeves.

“But of course, I keep to topics that are light-hearted. Small talk is an introductory chat after all, and the last thing I want to do is to drive people over to the uncomfortable realm and make them bristle over my uneasy questions.”

4. Don’t underestimate the “surface-level” topics, but don’t push it either

AL admits that she tends to avoid small talk within a group when topics that are of no interest to her arise.

“But I’ve come to learn that ‘shallow’ or ‘empty’ chatters are rather necessary, especially for breaking the ice. I try to understand these chitchat nuances in certain environments and participate,” she says.

We tend to feel a sense of pompousness when we indulge in intellectual discussions or deep pillow talks about life, because of the exchange of information and ideas present in these forms of speech. But while small talk may lack those, it is a vital social lubricant. That is to say, the content of small talk does not matter as much as its purpose does.

“You can’t just bump into an acquaintance in the elevator and stay silent the entire time,” Zhi En, a self-proclaimed small-talk skeptic, laughs incredulously. “Even a simple ‘How are you doing?’ or ‘Have you eaten yet?’ are enough to signal friendly intentions.”

She points out to not linger there too long though. “You can only endure so many back-and-forths before the small talk actually becomes pointless.”

5. Respond generously

To make small talk less of a mortifying affair, it takes two hands to clap. You can’t just be listening and asking a barrage of questions like it’s an interrogation. Worse still, you can’t be just…not responding.

Mae-Z shared that that’s exactly why she dreads small talk at times. “I try to take the initiative and make conversation with the other person. But if they’re not reciprocating in kind and are giving me one-word answers, then the conversation falls flat, and we’re left in this weird, awkward silence.”

Stiff silences are exactly Hans’ dilemma, especially during workplace events. While he isn’t one to actively initiate a conversation, he understands the function of small talk. “My simple trick is to round out my responses with an opinion or even a question, just so that the other party has threads they can pull on to carry the conversation.”

6. Turn your curiosity into compliments

And we don’t mean “you have such mesmerising eyes” type of compliments. That’d be creepy.

Complimenting someone is a surefire way to get the other party to be more open to your friendly efforts as it tends to reflect an expression of curiosity.

“When someone tells me that my tattoos are cool, I take it that they’re interested to know about the story behind them,” says Nicky, who also claims that she has been using this tactic to master her bantering skills in social settings.

“I’ll find things that I’m eager to unearth about a person, and instead of asking the question, I’ll start the conversation with a compliment,” she says. “So say, I really like someone’s outfit and I tell her that her dress is cute. She’ll be more likely to tell me where she got it from, and the conversation takes off from there.”

7. Be comfortable with the lulls

For many, the silence is so painfully awkward they can visibly see it in the air. And it gets so suffocating, you get stuck in your head and label things as ‘awkward’, and you feel the need to fill the empty space with forced rambles, making it actually awkward.

The point here is, that silences are only awkward if you make it.

Silence is normal, it is natural, and it happens with your closest friends and even with the most experienced of communicators. Lapses of silence need to happen to give a comfortable space for all who are involved in the conversation. Nobody can be yapping every other second.

Instead of grasping to diffuse the discomfort, sit with it. Let it take some time, observe your surroundings or people for a topic you can pull out for later, or take a sip of water. A small talk that’s comfortable and well-paced is miles better than one that’s dragged out and unnecessary, simply because you couldn’t stand the void of silence.

It is okay to keep the talk small

Detest it as we may, small talk is the foundation of human connection, and a necessary social structure. And if you aren’t all that blessed with the gift of the gab, these tips may help you alleviate the discomfort just a little.

Still, not every interaction will make it past the distant pleasantries and the rote chatters about the weather, and that is completely fine. It’ll get big with the right people, or the silence may be preferable with some others, but it is okay to also take your time and stay small.

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Illustrations by Jia-Ju.

Cover image adapted from: Jia-Ju